L.A. #3

 

 

LOS ANGELES - JUNE 2002

"POP PORN"

Two months ago - at a tiny 'neighborhood' tavern in Playa Del Rey - I had an incident which went down in Chapter 9 of my survivalist primer, "My Twelve Months in Hollywood". As a newbie to La-La land and its outer lying, er, boroughs - I went to visit a friend in the Lakers favorite hood, Playa Del Rey. We decided to check out the local watering hole. Once inside the three bar-stooled tavern - I had a very strange encounter with a squat, 5 foot, Popeye armed, Hawaiian shirted, metal-haired, buck-toothed, uni-browed Cockney - who asked me if I'd like to make a "mille-nion dahllurs".

Broke and up for a bad bar conversation - I asked what I had to do. "Welll, luv, what would you do if I told you I culd make you a mille-nion dahlurs for showing your arse...." Now, this baby definitely doesn't have back or front for that matter - but I decided to play along with this reject from Lord of the Rings. After a lengthy conversation - and a dozen different arguments to 'recruit' me into the porn business - I got a sneaky suspicion I was on Candid Camera or the Jamie Kennedy X-periment Show. I started to play along with the "gag". I raised my eyebrow dramatically and said I liked to play 'the boss'. As I ad-libbed poorly, I stared at the fake-looking hook-nose, the yellow buckteeth and uni-brow, trying to see the real person under the disguise. I started looking around at the 'regular drunks' to see who was in on the joke. Meanwhile, my porn recruiter was giving me some pretty convincing stats - and rates, might I add. Finally, I said "ARE YOU X-ING ME? "Am I whuut? Hexing you?" "Where's the camera? I know you are Jaime Kennedy, give it up". With his thick Cockney accent, he didn't know what the "fuhk I warse tawking a butt".

So, if anyone has a "Mary Jane - fresh off the greyhound bus look", you can be a MILLIONAIRE. Just ask the 1980's metal haired Austin Powers troll at the Harbor Room in Playa del Rey.

- Erika Yeomans