If I Had A Penis...
If I had a penis I would love that penis in ways in which no one has ever loved a penis before.
If I had a penis I'd stop wasting all of that money on toothpaste.
If I had a penis I would stroke it until it became long, stick it in my anus and roll around on the carpet as if I were a wheel in attempts to frighten my cat.
If I had a penis I'd never let it reduce my belly button to a lowly cum receptacle.
If I had a penis I would force it to read Les Fleurs Du Mal, Mallarme, Rilke's late poetry and Gautier so we could disgust those loitering in the park with our conceited literary banter.
If I had a penis I'd wine and dine it during a romantic trip to the Champs Elysees.
If I had a penis I would clothesline midgets with my erections.
If I had a penis, and if that penis wore dentures, I would hope that that penis would flip those dentures around in its mouth in order to entertain my children.
If I had a penis I'd utilize it to pull off the most ultimate break dance move ever to hit cardboard. Yes, that's right- the Uber Dick Spin.
If I had a penis I would never disgrace it by forcing urine out of its mouth.
If I had a penis I would learn how to throw its voice so when it boasted about itself people would not stare at the moving lips inside my ultra-tight pantaloons.
If I had a penis I could tell them all that I loved them- and I could prove it to them too.
If I had a penis I would hope there would be less hair around it than there is around my mammary glands.
If I had a penis you could bet that I would definitely have dick breath.
If I had a penis I'd create a list of people I would like to penetrate with it. Number one on that list would be God.
If I had a penis I would ask it to stop pointing at my wife, and I would beat it silly if it ignored my pleas.
If I had a penis I would lend it to Brother Koresh for use as a firearm so he might defend my fellow Branch Davidians and I against the invading infidels.
If I had a penis I would create a shoe horn-like device to aid my penis and the penises of others in their quests to avoid unfortunate zip-up injuries.
If I had a penis I would wash it, trim its pubis and tie pink bows around it as if it were my own pet poodle.
If I had a penis I would take it off and freak out all of the other kids during pick up sticks.
If I had a penis I'd hope there would be a pair of testicles attached to it because then I could tea bag the foreheads of all of the ignorant twats hanging out on the corners of my neighborhood.
If I had a penis I'd ask it to help me do my chores. Perhaps it would be up to helping dad stuff the giant codfish he caught and mount it up over the fireplace. Or maybe, instead, it might like to help mother can all of her elderberry preserves.
If I had a penis I would call it 'La Pimpinela Rosada' (or The Pink Pimpernel).
If I had a penis then I'd know I have yet another useless appendage.
- Dan Gleason