Clean Houses

I live with 3 very messy men. I myself am a huge slob. This makes for a roach filled disease pit of a rathole pigsty house. It's hard for me to find places to live, and even harder to find a landlord who is oblivious enough to let us stay there and destroy their property. We have been destroying this house for almost two years now, and I can't believe nothing has happened. Maybe its because we live on the hub of the crack center of chicago and even when a full streetlight collapses on the corner, it is not picked up for weeks. The whores and drug dealers just step over it and wait for the live wires to come and electrocute one of the children. The landlord decided that this crack den of a neighborhood is not getting white fast enough for him so he wants to sell this place. in order to sell it he has to show our half of the house. since its a horrible shit den, they decided to hire maids who claimed to be really good at cleaning big fucking messes, these maids came over, and told me, not to my total surprise, that this was one of the FEW places that they had EVER seen that they would not even touch. that made me feel great. fucking assholes.

My landlord has his daughter living under me and she's handling everything and shes about 9 months pregnant and ready to explode out a parasite and so shes all bitchy and of course pissed that we have ruined the apartment, but I tell her that we can fucking do it ourselves. This got me thinking about the probably 15 other places that I had lived in, however briefly, and getting evicted from all of them. It's pretty amazing some of the damage we have done. I remember one house I decided to raise chickens, and there was room in the backyard to have these chickens, and I was a good mom, except chickens shit... a lot. and having a concrete slab filled with chicken shit would piss our ukranian landlord off to hell. but his kids seemed to like the chickens. I remember one landlord coming in, shutting off the power, and telling us to leave by the next day or he would kill us all. Now I know that there is some kind of eviction process involving a lot of paperwork, I didn't know it involved threats on our lives. But perhaps the worst I ever did, with the help of about 30 people in the matter of three months, was to completely destroy a storefront right next to the congress theatre. It started very optimistic. with lots of promises of turning the place into a vegan coffeeshop or some bullshit but it was not long until we got the vegans out and the crack addicts in. we then had a rave with about 600 people in the basement, and then a truck started parking across the street watching our every move. I felt really cool. Theres something about having one of those trucks watching you, at least for me, it gave me some reason to live. It was even better than having a stalker. We got paid in hits of acid to have the rave in our place so we, all 16 of us, were on various large amounts of acid and we just completely destroyed the place. Downstairs there were a bunch of ravers dancing and being idiots and upstairs there were us, a bunch of legally insane drug addicts ripping our own ceiling out and laughing hysterically about it. I remember I went downstairs, and one of the people I knew at the rave said that people were destroying my house upstairs and telling them that those people were the people that lived there. I remember realizing some serious shit was happening when some pipe in the basement broke and water would not stop coming out of it. But I was way early in my thinking. I kept thinking it couldn't get worse and it did. Then the glass door got a rock thrown through it. Then the air conditioning pipes from the ceiling fell out of it because the ceiling no longer existed, and those were ripped to shreds. We had already had a hole in the bathroom wall big enough so that you could see anyone doing their business and watch whenever you wanted to but I think the destruction culminated when the toilet was smashed. And the floor started flooding with shit. That's how we knew the party was over, when the toilet was smashed. It usually tells you something. The next day our house was raided by cops and we had guns pushed up against our heads. We had a mexican guy sleeping in the basement using his key of coke as his pillow. When the cops came in they were floored. But they did not find anything, very much to my surprise. Where did the crack pillow go? One man showed me after the police had left. He pulled out all his back teeth and then dumped a bunch of rocks he had been hiding in there into my hands. I was thoroughly impressed. This was all about six years ago. From there we moved into another poor unsuspecting house in lincoln park, drug habits got bigger, I got more pets, and the house got completely destroyed in three months. We had two rabbits who were never fed who would shit all over the floor. My roommate would put one in a box and smoke crack and blow it into the little rabbits face. It was horrible. Then it got dyed purple and it grew a tumor. I thoroughly disapproved. But theres not much you could do when youre high on rabbit turds 24 hours a day. We had a dead raccoon named Chauncey in the freezer who was our pet and we would have visitors over and ask them to get us a beer out of the freezer and open it to find Chauncey's big glassy eyes and teeth flashing at them. This house was also oddly equipped with a pigeon coupe. So occasionally we would get pigeons there with little bracelets on saying who they were. It was really exciting when one showed up. The landlord of this place was this bizarre pedophile who decided to show up at our house in a dress upon our moving in. He was extremely rich and lived next door and would have extravagant parties with underage girls where he would feed us coke and let us amuse his friends while they watched hardcore porn on this guy's huge screen television upstairs. He soon got tired of us after he realized that we were destroying the fuck out of his shitty house next door. Then he told us that his uncle was the mayor and that our families were going to "live with the fishes" because of what we had done to his house, again not a tactic that I thought was a step in the usual eviction process, but what can you do. We weren't normal tenants, and even though we paid the rent, we were very efficient at destroying places in very short amounts of time.

So here I sit now, 6 years later, in another house... waiting to get evicted. maids who won't clean it, and I wonder what the fuck the problem is. I like to blame it on everyone else but the fact is that I'm just a fucking slob and thats all there is to it. I lived with clean people once, and I kept the place clean, but that was almost worlds of time ago. In a different life. Maybe it can happen again who knows but its hard to change when you wake up in a shitty filth filled wastoid slob house and you surround yourself with wastoid cum bags like me. Do I even want things to change. Sometimes i have to say no. I'd live in this roachpit for the rest of my life, but that doesn't mean I'll ever stop complaining about it.


- Meg McCarville