69 Reasons

Valerie Solanas has long served me as an inspiration. She may be most famous for shooting Andy Warhol, but she was also a great writer. Her best known work is The SCUM Manifesto.

SCUM stands for "Society for Cutting Up Men".

If a man wants to join the men's auxiliary version of SCUM, he must take an oath. The oath starts with "I am a turd. I am a lowly abject turd. And these are the reasons why I should have been aborted . . . "

I thought it would be both therapeutic and interesting to do this for myself, so I have written 69 reasons why I should have been aborted. I hope you enjoy them. I also recommend this exercise to everyone. It's fun!

For parents, it's a good exercise to have your children do. Have them write down 50 reasons why mommy and daddy should have turned them into a big bloody miscarriage. There I go getting gross again. One of my many flaws. I hope you enjoy.

 

I am a turd. I am a lowly abject turd. And these are the reasons why I should have been aborted:

1. My house is a shitpile.
2. My boyfriend is a gay pussy turd.
3. My toilet doesn't flush.
4. I have genital warts.
5. I am a coward.
6. I cannot remember things.
7. I forget to wear socks (even in the winter).
8. I did not get an oil change on my car for two years and almost destroyed the engine.
9. I forget people's birthdays.
10. I lose things.
11. I spill drinks a lot.
12. I have bad eating habits and table manners.
13. One of my teeth is half black due to the fact that my orthodontist fucked up, so I guess it's really not my fault.
14. I have killed many times. Mostly cockroaches.
15. I spend large amounts of time performing rituals for my obsessive compulsive disorder (e.g., touching walls, turning lights on and off, counting, and too many others to list).
16. I have not yet been on a reality show.
17. I have had sexual intercourse with some of the most rotten, disgusting trolls that Mother Nature has ever birthed out of her large, bloody pussy.
18. I have bad body odor (although I like it, so I don't wear deodorant).
19. I seem to be constantly living in "bad" situations.
20. People have told me I am delusional or paranoid; although I must disagree with them because I justify all of my paranoia.
21. I can get pregnant.
22. My mother already had an abortion before me, about 20 years before I was born. She was young and the baby was half black; if he was aborted, so should I have been.
23. I don't respect my father as much as I used to.
24. I can't stop making fun of fat people.
25. I flush my tampons down the toilet, and it gets clogged.
26. I don't shave my legs.
27. Sometimes I'm too lazy to buy tampons so I use toilet paper, or sometimes just drip. (But not PEE! I never drip pee!)
28. I am obsessed with reality shows.
29. I am dirty, physically and mentally.
30. I'm not sure about the way I feel about religion.
31. I say mean things.
32. I am very lazy.
33. I sleep a lot.
34. I wish I could get a man pregnant and then leave him to deal with the baby.
35. I use the guy down the street to fix my car for free, then I promise to go out to dinner with him and I never do.
36. I have randomly sent nude photos to men on death row (although I don't think this is bad, most people might).
37. I screen all of my phone calls.
38. I have not talked to my dying father in five months. Especially on those really cold days when you’re supposed to be checking on the elderly. He could be dead right now, I don't know.
39. I need to wash my hair.
40. I am only attracted to men who have severe substance-abuse problems (again, I don't think this is a problem, but others do).
41. I wish I knew better revenge tactics.
42. I don't know how to fight.
43. I don't own a gun.
44. I am not as good at mind control as I should be by now.
45. I am not as famous as I should be by now.
46. I can't figure out when will be the proper time for me to die so as to preserve my reputation and be remembered for the longest amount of time.
47. I am bad at eBay.
48. I have not yet captured Lara Flynn Boyle, tied her down, and broken every one of her skinny little limbs, and then cut her little breasts off and sent her to the hospital.
49. I cannot trust anyone (although I think this is a good thing).
50. I cannot do my own taxes.
51. I have terrible credit.
52. I keep getting parking tickets for parking more than ten inches from the curb. You'd think I'd learn by now!
53. I can't pee standing up.
54. I lie.
55. I steal (not just material things, ideas as well, and anything else).
56. My behavior has been dubbed grotesque and unbearable.
57. I have little to no dignity.
58. I have a fibroid growing inside me.
59. I have too many nightmares.
60. I am "out of control".
61. I dye my hair.
62. I fall asleep with lit cigarettes and burn myself. Luckily I have not yet burnt the house down.
63. There are more but I cannot write them down here.
64. Another secret.
65. Another secret.
66. Another secret.
67. Another secret.
68. Five separate people claim that I have single-handedly ruined their lives.
69. My childhood was not the best, so maybe I would have been better aborted.

 

- Meg McCarville