Responses to the question "Who's better than Alice Cooper?" on an Internet music discussion board:

Iggy Pop
Ozzy
Susan Powter
Abe Vigoda
Ron Popeil
The Iron Sheik
Abdullah The Butcher
Baron Von Raschke
Strawberry Shortcake
Baby Bop
Elmo
Ivan Volkoff
Joe Spinell
Harry Dean Stanton
Armand Schaubroeck
Screamin' Jay Hawkins
Ultraman
Richard Keil
Keiji Haino
The guy who played Joey on that one sitcom
Doogie Hauser
The Fonz
Boris Badenov (and Natasha)
Nikki Hilton
Mrs Hartigan my 4th grade teacher
"Eggs" Benedict
Bronco Nagurski
Nikki Cox
Albert Einstein
Ronald McDonald(only before 11am)
Curt Hennig
Demolition
Carl Hungus
Jeffrey Lebowski
John Brannon
Hugo - Man of 1000 Faces
Scatman Cruthers
Boris Yeltsin
Mazinga
John Holmes
Eric Stoltz (only in the movie "The Mask")
Powers Boothe
Jason from 'Friday the 13th' when he jumps out of the lake at the end of the first movie
Slats Grobnik
Richard Petty
The Bugaloos
Question Mark
Bob Noxious
Nick Knox
Dick Dale
Boris Yeltsin's forehead
John Kronus
Bing Crosby's angry fist
Lindsay Lohan's cocaine tooter
Alf
John Malkovitch
Bull Nakano
Luna Vachon
Bam Bam Bigelow's missing tooth
Richard Dawson
Louie DeJesus
Bootsy Collins
James Traficant
Jim Jones
Pam Grier
Big Bird
Garry Trudeau
The Man of La Mancha
Ziggy Stardust
Alpha Blondie
King Crimson
Pepper Keenan's moustache
Tony Iommi's moustache
Jeff Daniels
Sabu
That fat guy from Mad TV
That blonde chick who's always in sketches with that fat guy from Mad TV
People who don't watch Mad TV
Dante Hicks
Lyndon LaRouche
Herve Villechaize
Mr. McFeely
Benito Mussolini
Costes
Count Chocula
Gary Coleman
Willard Scott's erect penis when he is reading off the birthdays of 100 year old women.
Uni, Roy and Al
Chuckie Cheese
The Hamburglar
Richard Simmons
Lacey Chabert
Dianne Ream's crusted vaginal canal
Salsbury Steak
Remulade sauce
Lassie
Airwolf
String-fellow Hawke
Dominic Santini
Redwolf
Elian Gonzalez
Willem DeKooning
George Washington Carver
Greg Ginn
Al Pacino
the white tiger that bit into Roy's neck
Cronos
Don Knotts
Don Cornelius
The Cornelius Brothers and Sister Rose
Pete Best
Thurmon Munson
Nico
Valerie Solanas
Nina Simone
Edith Massey
The Doublemint Twins
Isaac Hayes
Mark Pauline's deformed hand with the missing fingers and grafted on toes
George Peppard
Jimi Hendrix
Annabel Chong
John Sinclair
Lou Ferrigno
Peter Paul and Mommy
Smokey the Bear
Hubert Selby
Idi Amin
Gilberto Gil
The polyp that was removed from Reagan's ass
Sasquatch
Sirhan Sirhan
Richard Ramirez
Rudy Sarzo
John Hinkley
Rondo Hatton
Gary Busey
the guy who drove the car that Princess Diana died in
Ringmaster Ned
Apple Brown Betty
Jerry Lewis
Doc Marten
Pamela Anderson
Mr. Green Jeans
Gunter Brus
Sargent Slaughter
Ayatollah Kohmeni
Gordy Howe
Jose Canseco
Jimmy Swaggart
the guy who makes the sound effects with his mouth in the Police Academy movies
Harvey Keitel
the prosthetic stunt penis that was used at the end of Boogie Nights
William "The Fridge" Perry
the one cubic foot plexiglass box that the contortionist who was on Real People was able to squeeze into
Sly Stone
The "Sex" belt that James Brown wore during the in the early 70's.
Huey Newton
Bobby Seals
Bobby Sands
Bobby Brady
Malcolm X
Malcolm in the Middle
Eunice Shriver
The Car Talk guys on NPR
Otis Redding
Tex Watson
Tex Avery
Dave Yow
David Lee Roth
the Indian woman with the world's longest fingernails
Dennis Cooper
The Fabulous Moolah
Barry Simple
Carl Yastremski
Blues Saraceno
Lance Doily
Don "The Dragon" Wilson
Alan Smithee
Rip Taylor
Doyle Lipinski
Bucketfoot Al Simmons
Hoyt Axton
Tiger Woods
Chi Chi Rodriguez
Arnold Palmer
Jack Nicholas
Carl Spackler

 

- Marc Fischer