Sorry I have not written lately. I'm really really sorry. I have been having domicile problems lately and i really want to go out because this guy he's driving .... and he keeps driving and driving and CRASH. he fucking drove me insane. and then i fucking lost my goddamned tooth. yep its gone.. ill take a fucking picture. fathers day happened and happened and happened and happened all day again and again repeatedly. all i did was go to the mickdonald's drive thru too late when on footerz can't come in and i...and i... i asked the man. i asked the dark man something... but he couldnt... he couldnt. hear me. because he locked the window. he would only look.... and saw me with my missing tooth andtearsstreaming down my face and probably he never knew what happened, but he knew i was lost and he unlocked the window, on fathers day, and i said, pleas i juss want a fucking 89 cent coke and an orange juice. that's all. i'm sorry sir i know you don't talk to us on footers in the drive in, but my car is being fixed... usually sir i have a car and i would drive up to the window and be able to get whatever i wanted, but yea and after all of this my car is broken, so please just an 89 cent coke and an orange juice. he looked sooo disturbed. i dont know if he herd me or if he understood... butt he got it, he got it fer me, he got it. and then he wouldn t take my money.

he wouldn't... take.it. he said... he said heeeeeeee said that he couldn't axcept it. why feor not? because i looks like im a crazy and having a domicile domestic battery problems and missing a toof and lookin all crayzee he juss give it to me and lock the window again. the person in the car was devistated as well. funnny. fuunny.... they were all so scared of me.. if they only had any idea how scared i was of them..; or the world.. or mcdonalds. or the locked windows. they would not care. and that's part of the point. the whole ironic thing that happened is that i would never been in that drive in with only my feet on. my stupid feet. my car. i took it to tito with the pentagram tattoos. he was fixing it. but he did never ask me for any money and then when i didnt gave it to him he took it away... and he took my car. and it was gone. so i couldnt.. i couldnt. leave. ever. i wanted so bad to flee to my mothers house. or back to the womb even. far far away. no call to dad on fathers day. no dad to go to. nothing. abusive fuck. i hate this fucking place. i feel like a trapped animal. it makes me sick.

i feel safe nowhere.

i sit in my house i am not safe.

i go down the street and im not safe. no not safe on the inside or the outside. trouble everywhere. people want to touch me and hurt me. i don't want them to bother me anymore. i only have dreams about missing teeth... almost every night.. teeth get pulled out or put in. they always fall out though. always... and then someone is always yelling at me about them. but today. today. today. TODAY it really really happened, my tooth did fucking fall out.... it was not in my dreams.. it was reality... when i woke up in real life i thought i had dreamed it all... mcdonalds... walking...my car...tito... the abuse...the chaos...the 89 cent coke... especially the tooth... but no. it was gone. it was still gone. the first time in history, out of 1000 billion dreams i've had of losing a tooth this was the first real one. the story was a nightmare. i wanted so bad to wake up from it. and i did. and i'm still awake. i have part of the tooth in a prescription bottle. i am so afraid to go near it to look at it to see if it exists, and i am afraid to go to the mirror and look at my mouth... but the tooth.. the tooth.. i can feel it is not there... with my tongue... i dreamt the man at mcdonalds locked the windows on me because everyone was scared... but it was real. because my tooth is really gone. i don't know what is what anymore. allz i know is that im missing a fucking tooth. and it's not a dream.

 

- Meg McCarville