1. What was the first crime you heard about?
For some reason WaterGate is the only thing that comes to mind, but having grown up in Humboldt Park when it was wild, and woolly, it must have actually been something gang-related like a stabbing or drug sales.

2. What was the first crime you witnessed?
A high speed chase between the cops and some knucklehead around the area of Armitage & Kedzie. It was the middle of the day, and we (the neighborhood kids) remarked it was not nearly as exciting as it appeared on TV. I don't remember who we were rooting for.

3. What was the first crime you committed?
Excessive speed. Really excessive speed. 130-140mph for about 20 minutes. Don't listen to Deep Purple when you are on an open road is all I am going to say.


On the advice of my attorney, I am pleading the 5th.


Tell us about the most fucked up job you ever had.
Membership recruiter for the United Consumers Club (now DirectBuy). It was all about tearing pages out the local phonebook and making blind cold calls, and high pressure sales to those who were interested enough to come down to the showroom. When it comes to sales I am a mellow soft sell guy, that's the way I like to be treated, so that the way I operate. But after four weeks of doing it their way, I had a developed a constant twitch in my left eyelid. Two full days of twitchy eye was enough to make me tender my resignation to the owner. I said "I don't think this is working out." He looked at my twitchy eye, and said, "Yeah, we were thinking the same thing."

Tell us about a time you were a boss.
For one season I was an assistant manager for FIM/The Christmas Giant. I was at the Berwyn location. It was in the mall that used to have the car shish kabob sculpture (Harlem & Cermak). As we were hiring our cashiers at the beginning of the Halloween costume season, it was mostly kids from Morton East High School which was right behind us. The process was mostly being handled by the store manager, Steve, but I was observing the interviews so we could compare notes afterward. In the middle of talking to the second or third kid, Steve asks if I have any questions for the applicant. I don't know what spurred my response beyond an innate desire to fuck with people, but I asked if the kid could do cartwheels or hand springs, she said yes. At this point the store was not completely set up so we had lots of room. So I said, "Show me," and she proceeded to do a couple of cartwheels. Cool. At that point, a couple of more kids had shown up, and seen this. After Steve asked them a few questions, I asked them my question du jour, and they could, too. So I had them show me as proof. While this is going on, a few more kids show up, and one guy asks why they are doing that. With a completely straight face, I tell him that it is a requirement, because if I get bored I want to be entertained. I may have added that it would draw customers in as well. He looks at Steve to see if this was serious, and Steve shrugs an affirmative. The three kids look at each other, and one says, "Wow. This is a tough job!" It was ridiculous, but outside of one cashier who was too old for me to fool like that, I had a store full of minor acrobats. And as promised, when things were slow I would amuse myself and the occasional customer with the sight of three or four kids doing cartwheels and hand springs at the same time.

Tell us about your paycheck.
It is invisible.


- The Mysterious X