Here's an interesting essay I found on the hard drive of a laptop
computer that Goldberger bought yesterday for fifty bucks at a garage sale.
Written in 1993, it's a freshman dance major's attempt to put into
words...words. And more words.
"Since I entered this establishment, my educational as well as personal journey has become one of explicits and hues. When I say this, I mean that in the time I have been here and with the things that I have accomplished, the definitions I have in movement, feeling, expression and have become stratified and certain things about my experience have found acute clarity while others have shimmered and blurred. And though I have experienced these things, and have assessed their implications, I cannot yet say if their effects have been positive or if these things indeed have turned me down a lowered path.
With the first paper that I wrote, using the same examination, I described the things that I had experienced as a miraculous discovery for me. The ability that I had found to allow the journey to occur, and the recognition of things as a journey, as something that develops, greatly colored the terms and recognition that I had used in that paper. And though I did not always understand, I thought that the understanding would come to me, as long as my participation and involvement received my full, invested attention. The thing about this situation that has become defined and clear is my belief that attention and energy is not always the key to comprehension and that understanding can be different in everyone and will be effected by so many altering factors.
Yet the thing that has become blurred and distant is my belief in the journey itself. I thought that all I had to do was discover and uncover the 'journey' and the trip to understanding would begin. The shaded area with this is not within the questioning of where I was to be going, but if indeed the extenuating journey was what I was searching for in the first place. In saying this, it is my doubting that tells me that maybe there is something more than just the ride, but that something greater might be found in the discovery of that which we seek. This being said, as the path to an espial occurrence it becomes just that, a path, something that must be taken to reach the perceived prize, our insistence on referring to emotions and ideas and acknowledgments as places and destinations due to our further insistence that things follow a course, that is definable and traceable only seems to hinder us further from fully accepting these rather than codifying that which occur so differently for each and every individual.
In the last few attempts to examine myself, there has been passages that describes how I had 'awoken from the dead state' that I thought I had found myself in, in which I thought that I was only going through the motions of my 'religion' of dancing, and of course had subsequently revitalized my worship. I also said that I wanted to explore and to create using the principles of emotive response, of need and and want, and perhaps to break through the construct of my prior training, and explore meaning and response based not on standard 'beauty' but on inflection, interpretation and doubt. And maybe through that I will be able to find a different beauty to communicate. To this I can say, that I now must examine so very closely if innocence, with all its blithe, clean confidence and power is not a retrograde to what we always have believed it to be, but that maybe indeed it is not lost by the acquisition of experience, with our gathering of all life's pain, but that we may indeed be gathering our naivete, our ignorance, our innocence, while ever losing our grasp on the truth, power and understand we could only have possessed as children."