Ten Lies Told When I Was A Boy
By Ben Redgrave

 

1 Summer Camp. I knew no one there. Befriended Josh by telling him I was also Jewish.
 
2 Second grade. Begged my bullied friend Andy to come out and play when in fact the older kids were waiting in the bushes to beat him up.
 
3 Fourth grade. When Sean and I found a six-pack of Milwaukee's Best chilling in the creek we took it into the woods to drink. After I drank one (my first unsupervised beer), I opened another but only took a few sips. Sean got up to piss and I poured the rest out. I told him I'd chugged it. He knew I was lying and punched me in the face.
 
4 Fourth grade. When Sean and I smoked his uncle's pot in the woods, I took off my shirt and acted "high." In fact, I felt nothing. Sean knew I was faking and punched me in the gut.
 
5 Easter morning, NJ. There was to be a chocolate egg hunt with a code of conduct; five eggs per sibling. I had woken up early and eaten an extra egg. Peter only had four and enlisted the entire family to find the missing egg. I had to lie down. The guilt made me sick.
 
6 Eighth grade. When pressed by Tony how much I jacked off, I said that through severe personal discipline I no longer had to. Tony became worried about my health.
 
7 Dr. Shore was a mere whisper of a man whom I did not trust. He was my child psychologist and I told him nothing but lies.
 
8 Fifth grade. Isaiah was determined to fight me. I told him my father was getting out of prison soon and would gladly avenge any injustices done to me. He knew I was lying and kicked my ass.

 

9 Third Grade. Sarah Baumgartner told me we were going out. I said okay. I told Rico we fucked behind my shed. Rico told Sarah. Sarah kicked me in the balls and informed me we were breaking up. I said okay.
 
10 Ninth grade. Embarrassed over having spent the majority of the summer watching television, I told my friends I had taken Sumo wrestling classes. Actually, I had only seen a special on ESPN. At lunch I held a demonstration, fashioning a ring out of lime on the soccer field and reciting, as best I could, the rules I had retained from the program. I was challenged by six of my peers and beat them all soundly. At long last, my lies had paid off.