(transcribed 06/03)

I used to be totally against guns, hated them - I was brought up not to embrace firearms at all. My dad hated guns, my mom too - I used to think they were pretty stupid and then I got broken into and I was at home. It was the weirdest thing - cuz I had worked super late the night before - I had probably got home like 5 o'clock in the morning or whatever - so I crashed out and woke up around 11:30 and heard all this splintering wood in my apartment and I woke up and looked around - I didn't see anything at first I thought maybe it was a fire or whatever. The wood popping you know so I went back to sleep so about 10 minutes later I heard the same thing again and I heard like people in the apartment. Totally weird - So I get up and I walk out into the living room. The living room and the kitchen were kind of the same - one big room. And I was looking at the door, the door to the hallway was moving like there was something on the other side and I hear this talking and what not. And I see this crowbar going in between the door and the door jamb. The last thing that I'm thinking is that I'm getting broken into. My landlords were really horrible people - they live way out in the suburbs so they're never around, they never fix anything and they had owned a couple other buildings on the block and in two occasions they had sold the buildings without telling anyone who lived there and they told the people who were buying that they were completely vacant. So they send in demolition crews to turn it into condos and they find eight different people living there. So I was thinking that's who it was. So I was walking up to the door and at this point I was really pissed off and I figured I'd just yell at these guys or whatever I'd have to find a place to move to really quick. Luckily I had like this big cop mag light hanging right by the door and I'd just picked it up when the door finally gave way and opened up and there were two guys standing there. The one guy has the crowbar in his hand and he's turned around talking to the other guy and he doesn't even know I'm standing there so I scream at him - like "what the fuck's going on!" and I'm totally in my underwear it's like two weeks before Christmas in December at noon you know. All of a sudden the guy turns around he was smiling and all of a sudden he stops smiling cuz he saw me and he comes at me with the crowbar with the big crooked end you know - totally missed me and nailed that into the wall then he saw that I have this big thing in my hand and I'm coming after him so he's like "holy shit let's get out of here" And they did like this Three Stooges routine down the stairs like kind of tumbling over each other. And at that point I was like -they're on the way out so I just followed thenm out in the hall to the gangway and then I called the cops. It took them about twenty minutes to show up and he basically came in looked around and said oh yeah they'll be back.

[This is the point where the taprecorder began to emit a high pitched whine. So the rest is from my truly astounding memory. -Melinda]

After a few months of deliberations and feeling a new persistant worry and fear The Captain decided to purchase a gun. He says he has no use for handguns and that with a shot gun it's too easy to miss. So he bought an AK-47. I had thought these had been totally banned but he informed me that they are only banned if a majority of the parts are made in a foreign country. Anyway that's what he got. I asked what he felt the first time he picked it up and he said he felt stupid but calmer. He keeps it carefully hidded but easily assecable - he feels that if it were ever stolen he would be truly responsible for one more gun on the street. After the break in he moved into a place he consideres safer - better locks, the landlord lives downstairs and actually fixes things when they break. The gun never leaves his house and he has never fired it.

- Captain Devious